Monday, June 8

ME! It is all about ME!


Recently, I have been having an argument with myself. We go head to head against each other and some days it can get nasty. It goes something like this:

So it is my birthday this weekend. -uh, yea. Don't remind me!
Why cant I bring it up? -because I am not getting older ever again.
What are you saying? You nut job! -I liked it better when I was still in my 20s. I have been in my thirties long enough and the forties and waving at me. But I want to be in my 20s.
At some point in your life, hun, you are going to have to accept that we all age...


No, I do not accept that we all age. NOPE!


See, I am special:

I do not sweat; I do not fart; My shit doesn't stink; I do not age; I do not make mistakes.


Really.


So imagine my surprise the other day...


My toenail kept catching on my sock. It was driving me insane so eventually I took off my sock and put my foot on the bathroom counter to see what was troubling me. Just getting my foot up there was a task! Less than 3 feet off the ground, but you would think I was trying to stick my toe on the roof of the house or something! As I (barely) kept myself from toppling over, my weight too much for my one feeble limb to handle on it's own, I realized that I could not focus on my toe with my glasses on...


I removed the eye-wear and stared at my toe. I still could not focus.


It seems that with my glasses on, my toe is too close to me and with them off, it is too far away. No, I am NOT aging and my eyesight is NOT getting worse! Unable to contort myself to a satisfactory position, I filed away at the nail with an emery board, hoping I would magically get whatever it was.


But then I heard quacking.


I ran to the window expecting to see low-flying geese. No geese.


I struggled to put my foot back on the counter to finish the job, and again, I heard quacking.


As I rushed to the window again, I walked into a cloud of odor... mmmm... burritos, guacamole, rice??? That was odd.


I nearly tripped over a pinata that resembled a red-white-and green burro as I took another step. Suddenly I was wearing a sombrero and smelled fajitas and refried beans.


Then it happened.


Over by the window I spotted the Mariachi band. AN ENTIRE BAND! All clustered between the bathroom window and the toilet. And that is when it hit me!


It wasn't quacking at all... It was me. I had farted! And not only did I fart, and it smelled, but I had farted an entire Mexican restaurant!!!!


Odd, considering I hadn't had Mexican food in quite a while. I tried to mask my surprise as I leaned over to whisper to the Mariachi.... "Holy Shit! Have you guys been stuck up there since Cinco de Mayo?!?!"


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