Tuesday, January 6

Confession 2009

The standard theme this time of year is making and keeping new year resolutions. Most agree that resolutions get forotten within the first 3 weeks of the year so more and more are telling how to keep those resolutions.

But why keep resolutions? Why even make resolutions? You can have goals and plans all year long... why does it take a calendar change to make a personal change by way of RESOLUTION? And do you actually RESOLVE to do these things on this list, or are you merely going through the accepted societal form of precrastination, goal avoidance, self-lying and half-hearted promises?

This year I am skipping resolutions. This year I am concentrating on personal REVELATIONS. Because I truly believe that no change can occur until the need to change is recognised and embraced... and because I am the QUEEN of ignoring and avoiding and making excuses.

Self-centered, yes... a bit. But since I cant change anything but me, it should work.

And it is time to be centered. The me everyone sees and the me I am inside are so different. I have lost sight of who I am and what is important to me. I have lost all integrity between what I believe and what I do. I have lost me so much that I have been shutting out the world and withdrawing within myself. Not good. Not good at all.

Recapture me... how in the world will I do that? One little, baby step at a time, I suppose. To start, I need to make a note of who I am inside and what is important. Then I will need to compare that to an honest (and painful) picture of who I have become. And then the little steps will begin... it is unavoidable. I cannot go another year without living... just trying to get through the day so I can lay my head on my pillow and zone out for another 8 hours (or 12 if I could get away with it -- I do love my sleep!). I need to Live... dream, achieve, feel, give and love. All the things I have been avoiding this year.

To start, I am admitting that organized is not necessarily clean. And that even though they call me Martha, it is just an image I portray when the calendar suggests. Oh yes, and that while everything else in my house is neat and orderly, labelled and attractive... my personal space, my office and my mind are in chaos.

Please stay with me this year, following my challenges to recover my self. Your friendship and encouragment mean so much to me. Thank you for being here with me!


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